Blog Entry #12. August 14th, 2020.

Hi everybody. Hope everyone is doing well, It's 12:30 as I write this. Technically the 15th but I'm gonna keep the date as the 14th.


I had an awful dream last night. I was back with my ex, and it was basically like I was reliving any random day that we had together. We went shopping, we had lunch, we had sex then took a nap. I absolutely hated it. It was overwhelming, I could have sworn it was real, especially the sex. Every single aspect of it was like it used to be. The feeling, the motions, the expressions and faces. I woke up, very confused and for a brief moment I thought it was real, but I quickly realized it was all a horrible dream. And I totally broke down, I just sat in my bed and cried for a little bit. But I had to get up and go to work. And I couldn't focus at all today. I felt a looming sense of pure loneliness all day long. My mind kept wandering, thinking about her. Just making it worse for myself.


I don't understand why these dreams keep happening. Sometimes I'll have them multiple nights in a row, sometimes they'll go away for a while and then come back. But why do they keep happening? It's torture. It affects me so badly. I already deal with my anxiety and my depression, and it's very hard to get out of bed a lot of the times. But these dreams make me feel so awful, it's dibilitating. I wish I could make them go away forever.

The rest of my day wasn't much better. I learned today that I've been coding the display for my pages incorrectly. It's a long story but basically they were positioned and designed based on the screensize of my laptop, instead of universal. I'm not sure how that happened or how that messed me up, but damn that really made me feel like shit even worse. I thought I was doing really well and learning a lot. I have no idea how I'm going to fix this.

I dont't really have anything else to say. Not much else happened today. Just a sad shitty day. No song for today.